DO I KNOW YOU? YOU DON’T LOOK FAMILIAR

Before we delve into this hot mess, let me just say that the last time I did a UK Basketball preview, the team didn’t even make the NCAA tournament. (But I did make the final four of the KSR “Who Wants To Be A Blogger” competition, even though I didn’t win. It makes no difference now, looks like Matt Jones has got himself a nice little following over there. I’m sure he barely misses me, if at all.)

Now, you may have noticed there is a slight difference between that team and this year’s. For starters, the coach is sober. And the exact opposite of what Billy “Don’t Call Me Surly, I’m Just An Asshole” Gillispie was. The only problem with John Calipari is that he recruits players the NBA actually wants, so it looks like we are gonna have a rather large amount of personnel turnover every season. Nothing wrong with signing blue chippers all day long, but by doing that you sacrifice the family aspect of having tenured players. This will eventually be an issue, if for no other reason than a sizable group of nostalgic old-timers will get together and bitch about how, back in the day, players stayed more than one or two years. Makes no difference to me, but I do like seeing at least one or two upperclassmen to show the young guys how it’s done.

In my opinion, that is the biggest downfall for this edition of Wildcat basketball. Sure, there is less size, less depth, probably less talent, but more than anything, less of a veteran presence. Nothing against the older guys, but Patrick Patterson carried this team for two seasons (with help from Joe Crawford and Ramel Bradley for one of them), under very difficult circumstances. Last year’s freshmen knew they had to bring it, or the old man was gonna crack some skulls. This year? I’m not sure Darius Miller and DeAndre Liggins can bring out that sense of “have to” that Patterson did. Nothing against them, that’s just how I see it.

On the flip side, when it comes to postseason play, apparently the veteran presence isn’t necessary for a big run in the NCAA tournament. After all, as good as Patterson was, he had played in just as many tournament games as John Wall and Co. (And the NIT doesn’t count. Stick the NIT in your ass if you think it does.) Even with a severe lack of postseason experience on last year’s team, they made a nice Elite Eight run, before picking the worst time of the season to forget how to play basketball. Here’s the caveat: a grizzled veteran calms that team down and makes them play within themselves, instead of jacking up 3’s all night. Patterson wasn’t able to do that, because he hadn’t been there before.

Which gets me back to this year: even though Miller and Liggins don’t appear (to me) to be able to bring out the best in their teammates, they will have a few tournament games under their belts come NCAA time. In other words, I don’t see them being as dominant in the regular season, but I think they have a better chance for a Final Four. Ah, the hell with it. I don’t know what is going to happen, and neither do you. And yes, I’m aware that I contradicted myself numerous times in the preceding paragraphs. Get over it.

Something else I wonder about with Calipari: since he recruits studs, is there a chance that, in the near future, Kentucky won’t have anyone to honor on Senior Night? There is only one sophomore this year, Jon Hood, and I wouldn’t be shocked if he transferred. He just seems like a moody bastard to me.

But back to my original point, if I even got there to begin with: nobody knows anyone who plays for Kentucky this year. That’s where I come in. Instead of some gutless prediction of scores and final standings, I’m gonna give you an inkling of who the hell these guys are. Because I’m nothing if not here to provide a service, let’s get to it.

*NOTE: MAY OR MAY NOT ACTUALLY CONTAIN PERTINENT INFORMATION

THE FRESHMEN

Enes Kanter, #0, 6’11” C. By far the biggest question mark this year, Kanter takes this team from solid contender to one of several legitimate favorites. Stop me if you’ve heard this before. A lot of people expect him to miss a few games before gaining eligibility, a la Randolph Morris. The problem with that is Morris had a year of NCAA experience before he missed time, so it was just a matter of getting back in game shape. For all of Kanter’s upside and Turkish pro experience, the American game is a different animal. I can’t confidently say he can just come in and clean house. I’m sure he will; just don’t be surprised if he doesn’t. Trivia: The anagram for “Enes Kanter” is “enter snake”, which is several different kinds of awesome. I really hope he gets to play.
UPDATE: Well, shit. Since I finished this entry, Enes Kanter was denied eligibility by the NCAA, who are a bunch of flaming bastard assholes. Unless UK wins its appeal, nothing I just wrote about him is relevant. Not that it was anyway.

Stacey Poole, #2, 6’4” G. Poole was the first one of the 2010 class to commit, and has been overlooked ever since. Kind of understandable, I guess, since he only has four stars. The guy obviously sucks. If Calipari truly goes with a 7-man rotation, I don’t see Poole getting guaranteed minutes.

Terrence Jones, #3, 6’8’ F/C. I’m looking forward to seeing how this guy does this season. He is one of the many players on this year’s team who was pilfered from U-Dub. A lot of hell was raised over Jones’ initial commitment to Washington, but he waffled and decided to join the winning team. I’m sure Cam Newton is responsible. Jones is a lefty, and tall and quick, just like me (one out of three ain’t bad), and he has potential to be an exciting player, if he could just quit with those damn water bottles.

Jarrod Polson, #5, 6’1” G. Polson is a walk-on cum scholarship from Jessamine County, so he already has a place as a fan favorite. The fact he is a scrawny little white guy helps; just ask Colin Cowherd. Not sure what Polson’s dad does, but I’m sure he doesn’t make plans to rob banks. Colin Cowherd is also an asshole.

Brandon Knight, #12, 6’3” G. Brandon Knight is the stud of this year’s recruiting class. He graduated high school with a 4.2 GPA, can recite Shakespeare, and isn’t quite as quick as John Wall, which means he is still quicker than everyone else. He has played great in every game so far, from the Canadian trip to both exhibitions, and the team will ebb and flow with him.

Doron Lamb, #20, 6’4” G. Lamb is the sharpshooter for this year’s team, and he will be oft-needed. He has drawn a few comparisons to Jodie Meeks for his style and shooting ability, and is considered a mentor for 2015 stud Jarius Docile, who is rumored to be a UK lean. Lamb’s anagram is “Bold Roman”, which would be more fitting for Brandon Knight, what with the Shakespeare recitation and whatnot.

SOPHOMORE

Jon Hood, #4, 6’7” G. I’m not sure how much of a contributor Hood will be this year. If he can show consistent touch shooting the ball early on, he has a good shot of getting serious minutes. If he struggles out of the gate, he may be fighting for minutes with Stacey Poole.

JUNIORS

Darius Miller, #1, 6’7” F/G. Darius Miller is officially the veteran leader of this team, and I’m not sure that’s a good sign. He doesn’t show much vocal leadership, but I’ll be the first to admit good leaders don’t have to be vocal. What worries me about Miller is his inconsistent intensity; can he make his teammates want to be better? As far as his ability, Darius can be a 20-point scorer if he wants to be.

Eloy Vargas, #30, 6’11” F/C. Vargas is another player who has been overlooked all year, but I don’t see that being the case for long. A transfer from Florida, he is the team’s main inside presence after Enes Kanter. Eloy is sort of a question mark; he certainly has the size to be a factor, but whether or not he is will have a lot to do with Kentucky’s success this season.

DeAndre Liggins, #34, 6’6” G. After a very up-and-down first couple seasons, I look for Liggins to be the vocal leader of this team. He has found a nice little niche as an energy/dirty work guy, and with a team full of freshmen, that is a nice option to have. Liggins appears to be a little quicker than last year, and he will almost certainly get more minutes. He could end up being this year’s X-factor.

SENIOR

Josh Harrellson, #55, 6’10” F/C. Harrellson is a guy who normally wouldn’t see much action, but with a thin front line, Calipari may call his number quite often, especially given his veteran status. Not the most athletic of the big tall slow white guys you’ll see, but he may be a big help in the rebounding department this year. It will be interesting to see how Josh is utilized with a short bench.

So there it is. Eleven guys (10 if Kanter doesn’t play) who will carry the torch this season. I look for Knight, Miller, Jones, Liggins, and Kanter to start, with Vargas/Harrellson, Lamb, and Poole/Hood being the key reserves. And yes, that is pretty much the entire team, save Polson, who may get good minutes if the starters see early foul trouble. As for the schedule, it’s a bit tricky, with several BCS teams in the non-conference portion. An early trip to Maui will be a great test for a young team; they also have to go to Chapel Hill. I see 5-6 losses regular season, another SEC title, a 1-2 seed in the NCAA, and another Elite Eight. If Enes plays, they are a favorite to win it all.

This has been another installment of “Vaguely Worded Analysis That Offers No Insight Whatsoever”. I hope you enjoyed it, and remember: Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Fantasy Football Sucks

First off, let me say that the reason I haven't posted to this thing in over seven months is because a) time has been as scarce as expendable income and b) my fiancée is needier than the kids are, so even when they were being cool, she would find something to whine about that involved me not sitting in front of the computer and thinking of mildly clever things to say. Also, whoever viewed this blog from Alaska, thank you. Tell Sarah Palin the Russians are getting tired of her staring at them all the time. And not in a "Lisa-Ann-hot-MILF-next-door-porn" type of staring, but rather a "would’ve-been-VP-if-she-had-kept-her-mouth-shut" kind of way.

I hate fantasy football. I'm sure I'm not the first frustrated owner to say that, especially in a season that has been as unpredictable as this one, but I really hate it. Even on the rare week that I win, I still hate it, because it ends up being more of a "shew, thank God I survived" feeling, as opposed to the "I just kicked his ass, bring me a leg of meat and a flagon of mead!" feeling that it should be. Because, at its essence, that is what fantasy football is: a nerdier way to show your friends that you are better than them at something. And when our friends remind us repeatedly that we are not, in fact, better than them, it tends to piss us off; we have to face the fact that we are failures, our kids are stupid, our jobs suck, and our wives have been screwing the milkman for the last several months, ever since the “incident”. (We told her a hundred times already, we didn’t realize we were that drunk.)

Ok, so maybe it isn’t quite that serious. But guys are, by nature, a competitive bunch, and when we lose on a regular basis, it tends to make us not want to be involved in whatever we are losing at anymore. (This explains the high divorce rate. Has a man ever actually won an argument?) Which brings me to my point: I hate fantasy football. I have been playing for six years, and have joined at least two leagues each year, if not three. Actually, that’s a lie. The first year I played, I was only in one league, a generic ESPN online affair. Guess how many times I’ve won it all? The first year I played, in a generic ESPN online affair. And I was pissing that season away until Daunte Culpepper got hurt. (Thank you, Kerry Collins!) So basically, my fantasy experience is a lot like sex before marriage. I got the good stuff right off the bat, but I haven’t tasted it since I’ve been committed. But, like sex after marriage, I press on diligently in the hopes that I will get to savor the sweet fruit once more.

I will admit, though, that my favorite part of fantasy is the draft; then again, I’m the same guy who makes a chart and takes notes during the offseason portion of Madden. (Gotta make sure I get the best ILB available in the draft, but I can’t reach! Don’t have much cap room.) In both my fantasy drafts this year, I had my laptop out, making a spreadsheet of each owner’s picks. For the first draft, I was in a hotel room two hours from home, with a Blackberry earpiece, laptop, six-pack of Shiner, and three different sets of rankings. My buddy had me on speakerphone on the other end, so I could hear each pick. Oh yeah, I was drafting for both myself and my fiancée. And you know what? I loved it. It was a bit of a rush, actually. For the second draft, the league where I am the commissioner, I made a poster board of draft order, with minimum and maximum roster requirements. I brought each owner a manila folder with two sets of rankings and a pen. I’m a huge nerd like that. I love organization, and the little thrill of being able to get a draft/league going. After that, things aren’t as much fun.

In my Fox league (the one with the fiancée), there are only eight teams, so everyone makes the playoffs. To be honest, I’m barely keeping up with it, aside from making sure my lineup is okay each week. Bless her heart, she obsesses over it like a stock market analyst. I’m so proud. But my ESPN league is wearing me out. I drafted Matt Forte and Darren McFadden, even though I didn’t want either of them. Of course, I sat Forte the first week, since he barely scored more points last season than I did. Guess who scored 44 points on my bench? Guess who lost by twelve? (By the way, our scoring system is badly skewed.) So, the next week, I played Forte, but sat Jahvid Best. Guess who scored 54 on the bench, in a game I lost by eleven? Long story short, every substitution I have made this year has been the wrong one, and it’s starting to get to me. Thankfully, my piss-poor substitution tendencies haven’t mattered the last couple weeks, since my entire team has decided to suck en masse.

The good news in all this is, even with a 2-6 record, I’m only one game out of a playoff spot (Fantasy football: Now with the added realism of feeling like an NFC West team!) and I own the tiebreaker against the dude ahead of me. Even better, I still have three division games left. Unless Aaron Rodgers completely disintegrates during the bye week (which is a possibility, have you seen Green Bay’s offensive line? Neither have they. People are starting to wonder if they weren’t in an accident or something), I feel pretty good about my chances. After all, my losses have been close, and all but one of them were due to me benching the wrong guy. Even better, one of the games is against a jackwagon who drafted four Dallas players as starters, including Romo. (Speaking of Dallas, was anyone else sad to see Romo get hurt? Not that I care if he is healthy or not, but it was much more fun watching the Cowboys implode with him making bad decisions, as opposed to watching them implode by not even remotely pretending to care anymore.) Looking at my schedule, I’ve got 2 guys I’ve already beat, and another with a losing record. Even if I don’t sneak into the playoffs, I’m really starting to think I’ve got a good chance.

Hmmm. Stubborn optimism in the face of repeated failure. I guess that is what fantasy football is all about.